a funny Petie story.... or two

I have to share these two stories with you all, because they, I mean HE had me laughing this morning.
I was loading the kids up in the car this morning, to go to school. nothing spectacular, happens every morning much the same way. We trip out of the house, Petie looks at us, as we walk by. (truth be told, he usually hides in the mulch and attacks someone as they walk by.)Yet I digress.
So, the little girl I watch gets in the front, and she goes "Mrs. Wilson (that still sounds weird to me, even though it has been 15 years) there is a praying mantis on your truck, how do we get it off??" -just then, conveniently, Petie strolled by. While the other kids were getting in their seats, I pick up the tub-o-lard, I mean cat and show him said bug. Well, the mantis was not diggin Petie touching it, and it flew off the car. Satisfied, that I have gotten rid of the critter, and no one got eaten in the process, I set the fat, I mean cat down. Just then I see him take off and jump and twist in the air. I look to see what it is that got his attention, and it was the MANTIS. Stupid bug flew back toward my truck, and then into my neighbors lawn. (where Petie completed that swell move) and I see it land on her house. her house is BRICK. RED BRICK. I turn, an kinda chuckle that his hunting attempts have been thwarted. NOPE. The bugger climbed UP the side of her house! I mean, like 4 1/2 feet up. he scaled the outside of her house!!! A tree, sure, he has done that LOTS of times, but her HOUSE. And, the bug WAS STILL THERE! Holy crud. Sreiously. Now, I have to watch to see what happens, because in my opinion, there is no way he will be able to hang onto the house and get the bug all at the same time, right? WRONG. In one move, he had the bug in his mouth, and he was scaling down the side of the house. Not jump, like I thought he would but climb back down. (he MUST have been a goat in a former life, among other things). Now, he has the bug on her sidewalk. I feel seriously bad for causing this innocent, eat her mate after having sex with it bug, peril. (a *bit dramatic I know, but the kids were in the car...) so I go to pick up the fat S.O.B., and put him in the house. He is standing guard, because he is going to attack it the MOMENT it moves. Have you ever seen a praying mantis in attack position?? Freaky ass lookin bug. So, I did my good deed, and rescued the 11 lb chicken, I mean cat. Christina informed me that is was bad luck to kill a mantis. Exactly WHO would have had the bad luck? Me? I didn't kill it, I just showed it to my killing machine.... I guess, guilt by association??

OK, ready for story #2??
I was sitting on my deck with Lisa, making a list of all the things I will need to pack in order to take 5 people on vacation. (and damn it all, I don't seem to have the wriggle my nose and it's all done power). Anyhow, I am sitting there, and I hear this noise under me. Crud. petie has something in his clutches under the deck. I walk off the deck and look under it, and sure enough, there he is, standing on some poor critter. I look for something to kikda bang on the lattice with (as if that will really do anything) and I see that my darling husband (gawd bless his pea pickin heart) has left the hose on. (conveniently enough). I pick it up, and I aim it is Petie. (mean I know) he jumped backward, and puffed up. I mean he SERIOUSLY puffed up. I almost fell over I was laughing so hard. He was looking all around, b/c he could not see me, but somehow he just got dosed with water. he shook it off, and started back to the critter that had suddenly became quiet. I see him and again, hit him with another dose of water. he hissed, and looked around, he still could not see me. Now, let me tell you, the hose was not on the "knock you off your feet with force setting, it was more like torrential downpour mode. Not enough to hurt him in anyway, just piss him off pretty good. He goes back for a third attempt, and he was closer than he had been, so I sprayed him again. This time, however, he saw me. When he turned and looked at me, his ears went F.L.A.T. So flat, it didn't look like he has ears. He turned and scurried away from under the deck. (probably to run into the house and put a hot steamy turd on my pillow in vengeance). the critter under the deck, well, since it is dark and covered in spiders under there, I figgered it was OK. I saved it from Petie, while risking his wrath myself. Who know what became of it. Some one once told me "kid, some days it's diamonds, and some days it's rocks." I think I had a diamond day. Petie... not so much.