Friday, January 13, 2012

time... time marches on

and on, the world still turns people still get up and go to work, people live, life goes on. it is going on, although there are days when I want to stamp my feet at the complexity and unfairness of it all. An update (or 12) on dad...
Over Christmas he was int he hospital (again) for another transfusion, and a whole host of other issues (internal bleeding amoung others). He came home the Tuesday after Christmas. We went to see him in his room, and with all of us there laughing with him and joking with him it was almost as if he was home in his chair, not in the hosp, in that bed. My neice took a picture of the two of us, I am waiting for her to send it to me, because it is one that I will always hold close to me heart. (kind of in the same way that we compared bellies when I was 8 months pregnant with Alex) Christmas was bittersweet in the respect that most likely it will be our last one with him. I go to see him again this weekend, he is back int he hosp, with more internal bleeding (they are doing a test now to see if they can pin point the cause). What is hardest for me in all of this is the fact that I see him and on his good days, he just looks, well, bald. He doesn't look sick. On his bad days, well that tells another tale. That is the part I just cannot for the life of me, wrap my head around. He went to the hosp Wednesday in need of 4, yes 4 pints of blood. He was put in ICU. I told him he needs to knock this off, he will be getting frequent flyer miles... He laughed and said it was either that or put him on the pay roll... I hope he will be home tomorrow, but I don't realistically think it will happen. he is supposed to have a Ct and PET scan on Monday so we can see how much and to where the cancer has progressed. We know it has because his cancer markers went from 140 to 260. So time again is another factor. how much time do we have? I know we need to make the most of the moments we have left, but that very thought terrifies me. It terrifies me to think of mom with out dad. (kind of like peanut butter with no jelly) For 53 years they have been bickering at and loving each other. I just don't see it. I know it's coming, and I just want to stuff my head in the sand and pretend it isn't there, that time for once will stand still and not move forward.
Mom, well she's still being the strength, the root of all the force that is keeping the whole works going. I only hope I can be as strong as her someday. Sure she breaks down, sure she has bad days, but in that situation, who wouldn't??
I made a frame for my dad years ago, for his birthday with one of the rare pictures of the tow of us, and on that picture I wrote all the things that I have gained or learned from my dad- My convictions, my ideas of right and wrong, my ability to stand on my own two feet and stand my ground and most famously, my dimples. And as I looked at this picture of the two of us smiling cockeyed for my mom taking the picture, I stood in his room and the tears slid down my cheeks. I can't do this dad. I can't let you go. You ARE my strength. you ARE my convictions. You ARE my feet that I stand my ground with. With out you, I am just a silly girl. I love you. I will miss hearing "yeah me too" when I tell you that. all of you out in bloggy land have no idea how lost I will be. I promised him the last time that I will take care of mom. because I know that will make him rest easy. He wants to make sure she is taken care of.
I am sorry that this makes no sense, I just rambled on and on, this is the one place where I dont have to be strong and stoic.
I love you dad, forever. always.