Thursday, March 29, 2012

you know how one thing

one everyday thing that we take for granted can change our lives, or at the very least, reduce us to tears?
Tuesday, running around in a midst of cheer practice, scouts, and getting dinner, someone left a message on my answering machine. Because I am just so anal retentive that I cannot possibly walk out of the house and leave that damn little red light blinking at me I hit the button before running some more with the kids. (who, by the way, were waiting patiently for me int he truck).
I hear my dad's voice on the other end, and my feet hit the floor. Several things race through my mind. 1. dad NEVER calls me. Ever. Period. 2. Damn, I think , what has happened to mom? (Again one of the only reasons dad would call.) Crap, crap, crap! OK, so now I seriously cannot let the message of "Steph-ne it's dad. Call as soon as you get this" go. No one says call as soon as you get this, unless it's bad news, right? I pick up the phone and dial my folks' number. Dad answers the phone, his voice strong and sounding great. hey Pops, I say, what's up? His response to me:
"you know that cancer deal I got going on?" (It's always been a "deal" with him, when ever he was ill or sick) Sure pop, I say, what's wrong. "Wrong?" he says, Nothings wrong! My numbers went down! They are at 425." He called ME. He wanted to tell me HIS news. He didn't wait for mom to relay the message as he has been doing this whole time. HE called. That means more to me than if the Pope himself showed up on my front door to offer me his blessing.
I take a moment to try and wrap my head around what he has just said to me. Desperate to hear more, but knowing I have to get going I begrudgingly tell dad I have to go and I will call as soon as I am home again.
I go out to the truck where the kids are wondering what took me so long and Alex says "mom, what's wrong?" (I am sitting in the front seat, gripping the steering wheel, staring out the window) and I say "nothing, Buddy, Pops is getting better" All three of my kids start to yell "YAY!!!" in the back seat. Tears just slide down my cheeks because I am happy to hear this news and yet so scared to be hopeful. I am proud to know he is fighting. Somewhere in there he found his resolve. he is fighting back and this time winning. I hope and pray that his numbers continue to go down and his good numbers go up. (Kidney function, which is a constant worry)
Mom, this is the best news I have been given in quite some time. It rivals your news when they told us you had put your own cancer in remission. I will remain ever vigilant that he may follow in your stead. Perhaps this is what he needed to hear to have some idea that he can fight and it ain't over till the fluffy lady sings. I love you both. More that I could ever articulate and would be lost with out you both. Losing one of you would be like cutting off my air supply... I am glad at the moment no one is going anywhere...

This week, there is a mega millions jackpot... I believe I have some numbers to play. Dad's numbers.

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Happy Birthday Daddy....

you know, not that long ago, in a galaxy not that far away.... I lived in a dream world where everything was all flowers and chirping birds. Then reality hit and hit hard. And now, I feel as if I am in some sureal state. Like I am still wandering around in a dream where nothing makes any sense.
What you see about, is a picture of my parents, taken not that long ago, on my dad's 73rd birthday. We gathered around to celebrate with him, because, well, that's how we roll. When the chips are down we rally 'round and pull in the mattresses, what ever it takes. We laugh, we cry, we eat, we drink, we carry on. it's what we do. it's how we cope. Mom threw dad a party, because well he deserves one for going through all this crap. and it is crap. I hate what he has to go through. I hate that it is sucking the life out of him. Or is it? What is it really doing to him? Slowly killing him, one blood cell at a time?
Not today, batman, not today.
Mom called me last night. We try and talk every day. Monday I called and talked to dad for 15 minutes. I had a phone call. PHONE CALL with a man who HATES being on the phone, for 15 minutes. Mom was out, joining weight watchers he said. (Go mom, you can do this!!) Both dad and I believe in you. ESPECIALLY dad. His voice perked up at the thought of you doing this. He loves you and wants you to be happy. I know this. I could hear it, in the way his voice just changed ever so slightly when he was speaking of you. He's proud to be married to you. anyhow, I digress- dad and I talked abotu the addition we're building, the banks (bastards that they are) and the contractor we chose. (dad approved) not that our contractor knows him well, but my dad likes him just the same. and how do I know he approved?? because he told me it was a "bit of alright". Ever since I was a little girl, when ever he would approve of something, he would say it was a "bit of alright". He said that to dana when he asked for my hand in marriage. He said that when we told him we were buying a house, having a baby (along with his favorite line, that I took something serious that was poked at me in fun)-only my dad.
anyhow, mom told me that his cancer markers went down. DOWN. by the grace of God, and perhaps by all the prayers he has been given on behalf of my dad, the markers went down. and not just a little bit. they went from 770 to 625. 625. I think I will play the lotto this weekend, and his marker numbers will be my numbers. they climbed at an alarming rate. they started at 1.8, then went to 2.4, then to 400, then to 450, 750 and then to 770. all with in a few weeks. Those were scary numbers to me, because I have NO idea what they mean. How high will they climb? How high can they climb? well now, it looks like they are coming down the chemo is working. My mind is still reeling from the facts.
they are clouded only by the fact that he has fallen a lot lately, and they do not know why. So they ordered a ct scan to see what if going on... In the words of Scarlet O' Hara, I will worry about that tomorrow. Today, I will bask in the news that the cancer numbers are moving in a downward direction and all is right with the world.
happy birthday Daddy. I love you. I am proud to be your daughter, and next year, when we celebrate, we'll have a huge party!! We're going big, baby!