my dad, my thoughts, my broken heart

I don't even know where to begin. A week ago, which also feels like a life time ago, my dad was diagnosed with small cell lung cancer. Lung cancer, which is in his lymphnodes, his hip, his lower stomach, and his adrenal glands. He has to get chemo 3 x a week, every 25 days, for 9 hours. 9 hours of poison coursing through his veins to kill off the abnormal cells, and hope like heck that good ones form. We were told (well mom was told and it filtered down to us) that he is only being given 75 percent of the chemo he needs because it will be to hard on his kidneys, and could quite possibly shut them down. (A theory which unfortunately proved true after only 2 days of chemo...) we're waiting (or I should say mom) to talk to the Dr's on Monday to see what the next plan of action is. As I type this I have just hit a wall . I cannot think of other things to say, and yet I have an ocean of things I want to say. Let me say this, the doctors said that if they treat him, he has 6 months to a year. if they don't he has so much less time. Less time? I can't remember when my dad was not around, and further more, I cannot imagine my life with out him in it. He has forever more, been my constant, when things were crazy, or scary, or just right. He was always there. He always knew what was going on with my college and masters and wanted to know what was on deck for me for that.

I tend to think about things a lot. I mean in the borderline over analyze part. I drove home today from seeing my dad and my mom, and on the way home I thought. And thought. And cried, and thought some more. I thought about what's going on right now. I thought about what will happen, I thought about what each of the members of my family mean to me, and to each other. I thought about how we're all coping (or not coping as the case may be) with the news that dad is terminal. Terminal. It means many things, and I don't like any of the meanings, especially those that are implied with the recent diagnosis. I have thought about words that sum up my dad, and many come to mind. Provider, protector, confidant, jokester, solid, dependable, and always there. Right, wrong or indifferent to our actions or moods, he was always there. Mom was the one who had to do 90 percent of the discipline while he was away. (still to this day, I don't know how she did it with 4 kids and didn't loose her mind). I have so many memories that I hold so close and near to me, and he know them as well but they need to be shared for those few of you who read the blog I ramble in on, and my drivel.

My mom is being so brave right now, dealing with all the doctors appointments, E.R. visits, medication pick ups, and dispensing, and the frustration when he is not doing what he is supposed to be doing. She is being brave enough fro all of us, even though I am sure she wants to fall apart. She delivers all the facts to us, making sure we understand it, and then she makes sure Dad has what he needs. I wish I were there for her every day to give her a hug, to hold her hand and to tell her I am just as scared as she is. But I am 2 1/2 hours away, so the best I have is a phone and a sympathetic ear. I am sorry mom, I wish I were closer to help you more. I wish I could shoulder half this burden with you, instead of having to watch you do it by yourself, it breaks my heart. I love you, and we'll get through this.

Denice... my chronic lopsided optimistic. I know this is hard that you are the only one there with mom and dad and close to them. I am sorry that you have to do this with mom, and I miss you too... I loved hanging out with you today, it made me feel almost like a kid again, that is until I started thinking again of why I was there. I wish I had your ability to not think about things. Oh how I wish I could turn off my over analytical brain, and let it just go blah... Make sure there's room in your bubble, I will bring my own squeegie.

My husbad is stoic. just taking it all in as the information is funneled to him through my choppy voice and tears. I love that you know what I need and that you just do it with out me even realizing that I need it done.