I've decided

in all that has been going on as of late, and there has been a lot, that my life will now be divided into two time slots. Before dad got sick and after... well, after. there are many other things going on at the moment, like we're trying build a story on our house, and that in and of its self has been trying for us, and then dad became ill. No, not ill, but sick. because, when you're ill, you will get better. But he is sick. good and sick. He has gone through a lot since I blogged last. Some days good, some days not so good. They put tubes in his back to drain his kidneys, since they were not doing good with the chemo. He has had 5 blood transfusions in 4 weeks. In my opinion that is a lot, but apparently in the cancer world, depending on the cocktail you get it is rather normal.

I went to see him on Sunday this past week, because once again, he was in the hospital. He had not one, but 4 blood clots. That earned him a stay from Wed to Sunday. I call mom everyday for an update, and it breaks my heart to hear her so sad. Her voice is just flat, and I know this is tough on her. To make matters heavier on her heart, she had to have her dog put down 2 weeks ago, so there was nothing to greet her when she came home from the hosp., but an empty house. She fixed that by adopting 3 kitties from a shelter. (see, THAT'S where I get the crazy cat lady gene from) (Oh, and FYI, the cat show in Dec 3 and 4) it is SUPER cool. The kitties are helping both of them I think.

On Sunday I went to the hosp to see him, and we were told that he was going to be able to go home. It was nice to be able to be home right after he got there, help him in the house and to his chair. As soon as hit butt hit the chair, the one cat jumped into his lap. It is something to keep them warm at night and something warm and fuzzy under their hands.

The general practitioner dr. ordered Hospice to come in. :( up where they live, hospice is ordered when the end is near, they do not have enough people for para care. They came to see him the other day along with home health, and he sent them away. He told them he didn't need them yet. The GP also told him (before his hosp stay) that he thinks dad has less than 6 months with us. My hope beyond all hope is that he is wrong. However my over analytical, reality stricken brain knows better. It keeps telling my heart the what's what, and what will be. I knwo in my head the end result, but I keep hoping.

the chemo Dr has pushed off chemo. (he was supposed to get it on the 15th) but since the blood clots, it was pushed off. He saw that Dr on Wed and we thought perhaps they would do it then, but alas, they did not. he goes back next week (wed) to see the chemo Dr again, and maybe then they will tell them whether or not they will do chemo again, or if they are going to stop it. He has had only two rounds, and many bumps along the way.

My wish for him, is that he not be in any pain. He has gone from telling me he's fine when I call to telling me he feels crappy, or he's in pain, or something else. I am glad that he no longer feels he has to hide it, I just don't want him to suffer. at all, for any reason, because I know he woudl not let that happen to any of us.

your continued thoughts and prayers are appreciated!

Xo.

S.

my dad, my thoughts, my broken heart

I don't even know where to begin. A week ago, which also feels like a life time ago, my dad was diagnosed with small cell lung cancer. Lung cancer, which is in his lymphnodes, his hip, his lower stomach, and his adrenal glands. He has to get chemo 3 x a week, every 25 days, for 9 hours. 9 hours of poison coursing through his veins to kill off the abnormal cells, and hope like heck that good ones form. We were told (well mom was told and it filtered down to us) that he is only being given 75 percent of the chemo he needs because it will be to hard on his kidneys, and could quite possibly shut them down. (A theory which unfortunately proved true after only 2 days of chemo...) we're waiting (or I should say mom) to talk to the Dr's on Monday to see what the next plan of action is. As I type this I have just hit a wall . I cannot think of other things to say, and yet I have an ocean of things I want to say. Let me say this, the doctors said that if they treat him, he has 6 months to a year. if they don't he has so much less time. Less time? I can't remember when my dad was not around, and further more, I cannot imagine my life with out him in it. He has forever more, been my constant, when things were crazy, or scary, or just right. He was always there. He always knew what was going on with my college and masters and wanted to know what was on deck for me for that.

I tend to think about things a lot. I mean in the borderline over analyze part. I drove home today from seeing my dad and my mom, and on the way home I thought. And thought. And cried, and thought some more. I thought about what's going on right now. I thought about what will happen, I thought about what each of the members of my family mean to me, and to each other. I thought about how we're all coping (or not coping as the case may be) with the news that dad is terminal. Terminal. It means many things, and I don't like any of the meanings, especially those that are implied with the recent diagnosis. I have thought about words that sum up my dad, and many come to mind. Provider, protector, confidant, jokester, solid, dependable, and always there. Right, wrong or indifferent to our actions or moods, he was always there. Mom was the one who had to do 90 percent of the discipline while he was away. (still to this day, I don't know how she did it with 4 kids and didn't loose her mind). I have so many memories that I hold so close and near to me, and he know them as well but they need to be shared for those few of you who read the blog I ramble in on, and my drivel.

My mom is being so brave right now, dealing with all the doctors appointments, E.R. visits, medication pick ups, and dispensing, and the frustration when he is not doing what he is supposed to be doing. She is being brave enough fro all of us, even though I am sure she wants to fall apart. She delivers all the facts to us, making sure we understand it, and then she makes sure Dad has what he needs. I wish I were there for her every day to give her a hug, to hold her hand and to tell her I am just as scared as she is. But I am 2 1/2 hours away, so the best I have is a phone and a sympathetic ear. I am sorry mom, I wish I were closer to help you more. I wish I could shoulder half this burden with you, instead of having to watch you do it by yourself, it breaks my heart. I love you, and we'll get through this.

Denice... my chronic lopsided optimistic. I know this is hard that you are the only one there with mom and dad and close to them. I am sorry that you have to do this with mom, and I miss you too... I loved hanging out with you today, it made me feel almost like a kid again, that is until I started thinking again of why I was there. I wish I had your ability to not think about things. Oh how I wish I could turn off my over analytical brain, and let it just go blah... Make sure there's room in your bubble, I will bring my own squeegie.

My husbad is stoic. just taking it all in as the information is funneled to him through my choppy voice and tears. I love that you know what I need and that you just do it with out me even realizing that I need it done.

Empty nester??

Today was Ethan's first day of Kindergarten. The other two kids went on Monday, but a bad ear infection kept him home from his first two days...:( He was feeling better today, so he went. Yesterday as we were walking the kids home from school, he puts his little hand in mine, looks up at me and says "mom, are you going to keep me away from school for the rest of my LIFE?" "no, I say, it is only because you're sick." "Mom, really, I am not sick, my EAR is." The logic is dizzing... although he did have a point, I did not tell him that his ear was in fact, a part of him and was making the whole part of the kid sick...Sigh.

here comes this morning with an eager 5 year old anxious and more than ready for his very first day of school- to which he tells me, that it isn't his FIRST day of school, it's his third, "so let's just pretend it's my third day, o.k. mom?" At 1:00 I pack up my youngest, kiss his little cheek that smells of baby soap and peanut butter and send him off to school.

I drive my truck away from the school and head to Target for a few things I needed. (or though I needed at least).

This feeling is a first for me... Since 2001, I have always had a child (or three) tag along with me where ever I went. Going to the stores was a chore at times, because I was always amid a baragement of "can I get this?" or "He's touching me" or "she's looking at me"... A simple trip to get laundry soap inevitably left me feeling frazzled. Thank goodness for the Starbucks that resides with in the Target store...

Well here I was today, at 1:30 p.m., in Target, in the soap isle all by myself. It was AMAZING! I could think, I could choose which brand of soap I wanted. I swear the sky opened up and the angels sang. I mean I had 10 blissfully quiet moments in the isle by MY SELF! I could rifle through the coupons I had brought along, I could SMELL the soaps. I could have done a cartwheel in the isle if I chose. (OK, let's not get ridiculous, I would have ended up in a 6 foot tall brunette heap, I am not that coordinated...) ha ha.

So in the end, I picked up a bottle of body wash, two Hershey bars and three packs of cascade that had 4 bricks each of those packets, and I paid a whopping .79! Yup. 79 cents. I was pretty happy with myself, since I scored some things I needed and spent so little. Now don't get me wrong, I am not one of those coupon crazy hoarders that you see on t.v., I am just a girl watching her pennies... every one of them! I will add in pictures later on, so you can see my babies first day of school and the soap I was able to think about all by my self for a few moments!!

Peace out, girl scout!

the band...

Petie is a

MOONLIGHTER!!!!

yup. Now, when you say moonlighter, I think of the back hills where someone has a moonshine stand.... however not the case here. let me explain, shall I?

My next door neighbor called me today and said "I just want you to know I will be going to my daughters for a few days and will not be able to feed the cat." HUH?? Um, "ok," says I, "not a problem, Petie gets enough here. " "oh," says Mrs. G. "I was worried about him, because it is going to be so cold, I didn't want him to starve." (seriously, are talking about the same 14 lb stocky, belly goes from side to side cat here??)

then she goes on to say "you know, I am really afraid of him." (who, Petie?? he is a bully to small ish critters and other cats but not to humans. well, except the vet, and you can read about that here) but if you're not a vet, I'd say odds are he will like you. "Why?" I ask, because no one I know is afraid of him. (although he is a bad ass.) "Well," she says, "when he comes in my house," "WAIT," I say, "he comes IN your house?" "Oh, all the time", she says, "most every afternoon, he howls at the back door and then runs through my house, up the stairs and onto my spare bed, where he will take a nap for 2-3 hours." I am dumbfounded at this point, total loss for words, and am trying to figure out that why, if she is afraid of him she lets him IN her house. "Ok, Mrs. G., why are you afraid of him?" (Now i HAVE to know, because I cannot figure out the whole scenario). "well," she says, "he will look at me and arch his back and jump a little bit." I start to laugh a little bit and I say to her, "when he arches his back, that means he wants a pet, that is his way of granting permission." "Oh, no..." says Mrs. G, "last time he did that, I put my hand out, and he tried to bite the leg of my pants, so I am really afraid of him. Some days it is a real battle to keep him out, he is persistent." Oh boy.... so last week when it was super cold out, Petie didn't come home and I worried about him... guess now I know where to look!! Wonder if I need to petition the courts for joint custody????